All good things must end.

The thought of knowing that nothing lasts forever, that everything has to end eventually, that people will eventually walk out.. is enough to make me want to curl up in bed with nothing but sappy movies & chocolate. I hate myself for not allowing myself to open up - Because all I ever see in things is the negative side. I'm afraid of goodbyes, dissapointments, & being let down.. I should practice on letting loose & just letting time take me where it shall, but it's just too hard. I'm not emotionally strong enough for that. But I'll get there.. maybe later, than sooner.

"inside i'm a prisoner of my own hell"

I can come off as cold, heartless, careless.. but It's all just the outcome of my past. I build walls around my heart & refrain from allowing myself to get close or attached to anyone. I know that life is full of goodbyes, as I've encountered many, & I don't want to be just another goodbye. I will never allow anyone to walk over me, or push me out of there life as if I'm nothing. I AM something, & I will be treated the way I deserve to be. I know that I won't ever need anyone to be successful in Life. If I believe in myself I'll accomplish all I dream about accomplishing, & I'll be all that I'm set out to be.. with, or without you. I do have a heart, but it takes a lot of effort & time to get too.. So I hope you have patience if you wish to be in my life.

.....

Parents are obviously not supposed to play a big role in there kids lives these days? At least that's how I'm interpreting things..
"Conceive & Leave", basically..

Easter '11.

-

"Truth is, Nobody is perfect.. we just have to find the one person who can look past our flaws, & love us for who we are & all we're set out to be."

Spring Break '11.

I'm alive!

I confess that I deserted my blog for awhile.. But, I'm back again :)
I'm about to upload some pics & get you guys up to date..
Now for a quick update on what's going on here in the ole' Chattanooga, TN ;
-My Grandma has been up here recently from FL visiting. :)
-My freshman year in High School is coming to close.. I have 11 more days /:
-This summer I'll be in FL until July 29th.
-I'm slowly but surely getting everything together for success! :)
-I'm realizing greater & more important things in life..
-We had some harsh weather recently, it wiped out Rossville, which is about 20 mi's from here, if not less.. keep everyone in your prayers!

<3

every step i take, there's lessons learned.

Life is too short to be allowing people to get you down, ruin your day, and put you on the verge of breaking down. I've had my hopes, dreams, and feelings ripped apart too many times to let another person who is going to do a repeat of the people in the past, into my life. I build walls around my emotions and heart to feel safe from pain. Going through what I went through, It's led me to keeping my emotions & thoughts bottled up. Writing is my only way of expressing myself. I'm tired of being torn down, and left to reconstruct my pieces together by myself. I'm not trusting anyone to be there with me through it all. Forever is an over-statement. Love is an over-statement. Peace is non-existent.. as long as we're residing on this planet. And happiness? Well, happiness takes a lot of effort, time, and patience to reach. I'm currently in the process of removing all my obstacles from my path to happiness.

if you truly cared,

you would want for me to do what makes me happy, just as much as I do. Obviously you don't care too much, ay?

out of all the words you've said to me, you'd think 'sorry' would've found it's way in there.

I just wanted to take this time out, and be completely honest. I'm nowhere near perfect, perfection is probably one thing that would be impossible for me to conquer. I keep things bottled up, and I don't like people getting to know the weak side of me. I like to feel like I've overcome the things that I've been through. But there's still a lot of nights that I could just lay in bed and cry myself to sleep. No matter how I'm feeling, I paint on a fake smile and let the world believe that I'm the happiest thing ever. Mind you, I'm not always sad. But the days that the past comes and hits me like a bullet to the chest, forcing me to remember it, are the days people still think all is well. They don't know any different. They don't have a clue about the fact that I've basically been forgotten by my own mother. Feeling left out, astray, and abandoned - I will forever keep this smile on my face, the one that maybe one day I will actually believe in.

"One thing about life is, it doesn't matter where you're going. What matters is that you keep on going."

- Sheridan Mills

Lilly.

when it rains, it touches down on everything.

There's something about the way the rain feels - The way it's not only pouring down on me, but on everything else around me gives me comfort and makes me feel like I'm not alone. The coldness and trickling of the rain drop it self as it washes over every inch on my body. The sound of the faint thumping as they hit the ground. There's just something about the rain that gives me comfort, and makes me feel like I am free.

I want to be 4 again.

The seriousness of the problems you encounter throughout life increases as your age does. I thought breaking a toy was such a bad thing, now I wish that my problems were like those again. It seemed so tragic back than...If I only knew. I keep losing everyone I care about. I'm starting to feel alone. I need someone who will be by my side, through it all. Yet again, I've nearly always lived like this - keeping a comfortable distance, and up until now I'd sworn to myself that I'm content with loneliness.

I can see it coming, so save your breath.

I can only take one more false apology.

If I had it my way,

things wouldn't be the way they are, you can guarantee that. First of all, 9 years ago I would've stopped my Mum & 2 sisters from leaving so that we could still all be together, as a family. I would've passed up the offer of being able to date that one boy I did, so I could avoid the heartbreak, the tears, the nights sitting in my bed wishing I wouldn't have fell for him. Theres a lot of things I would've done & could've done different, but you know what?...sometimes you have to make mistakes to learn lessons. Learning life lessons always comes in handy. And I do believe, that some of the things I've had to experience in my life & some of the pain I've had to feel - was all for a reason. I know this because I have already counseled a few people that have been through similar situations as I. And I know that it means a whole lot more when your getting advice and encouragement from someone who knows where your coming from, & has at one point, been where your at now. I could've spared a whole lot of the pain that I've encountered throughout my life time, but on the bright side, all these experiences were shaping me out to be an awesome source of support & encouragement. And when I think about this, I am encouraged - I'm encouraged to go on, to strive to be successful, and to always keep that smile on my face, even if sometimes I have to force myself. I would absolutely hate to see anyone that has been where I have been, be unsuccessful. It is achievable. Do not live in the past, look beyond it & push forward. Don't make your life like a lady on a treadmill ; She's moving her legs, but getting no where. No one ever said life was gonna be easy, your going to have to try. Nothing comes to you if your not trying. But just know, that you are capable. Brokenhearted, abused, abandoned, forgotten, whoever you are - you are just as capable to achieve what you wish to achieve as much as anybody else is. If you find yourself living in the past, please note: Today is as good as any to start over. Take a step outside into the fresh air, close your eyes, breath, and say to yourself that you forgive anyone & everyone that has hurt you in the past. And promise yourself that from this day forward, you are going to push forward and show people that nothing is going to get in your way. You are strong, you are determined, you are capable, and you are Someone.

What you can't learn in a 'glance' ;

I've had plenty of people judge & criticize me, without even taking the chance to get to know me. It's sad that now adays, you can barely go anywhere without being tied down by the weight of judgemental glances. Now, I dont ask that you trade shoes with me, nor walk 1,000 miles - no, just that you open up your ears & quit being ignorant. Than maybe, just maybe, will you have the chance to know me for who I really am.

in memory of what used to be.

I still remember the day you all left, like it was just yesterday. I still remember all the confusion I had. And I still remember all the tears I cried, thoughts I thought, & wishes I wished...hoping that my Mum & Sisters would come back.

spring break job -

Working for Rourk B. Freeman, D.M.D

This is my life -

Listening to music so loud I cant hear myself think, Giving advice to those who are in need of it, Laughing at stupid things, Staying up 'till 12 AM talking to a Friend, Eating Nutella out of the jar, Random trips to Wal-Mart with Friends 'cause we're bored, Being fascinated in little things, Sleeping in 'till noon on my days off from School, Obsessively cleaning my room, Going for walks to talk to God, Girls nights out, Having completely sarcastic conversations, Eating just because I'm bored, Taking 3 showers a day, Doodling on every piece of paper in the house, Going on dates, Coming across someone who unintentionally makes me smile, Waking up happy, Warm summer days, Reminiscing about old times with Family, Giving my Bestfriend "a look" & she immediately knows what I'm trying to say, Long hugs with a special someone, Saying "Bless you" to people who sneeze while I'm at the store, Taking pictures, Skiing, Tanning, Coming across a new song & repeatedly listening to it, Shopping trips, Long vacations to a place I've never been before, Babysitting, Looking at old pictures, Spending weekends at a friends house, Meeting new people & we automatically "click", Having someone tell me the truth - even though they know it may upset me, Going to the Beach, Staying in bed watching movies on rainy days, Smiling at cheesy pick up lines 'cause they're cute, Sharing some of my personal stories with People who I think may be encouraged by them, Looking back at the past & finding good in where it's lead me, Changing clothes randomly during the day, Being cheered up by a little compliment, Driving (illegally), Me & my Bestfriend telling other kids what we did over the weekend, Laughing at something for months that wasn't meant to be funny in the beginning, Going to school on Mondays & getting a million hugs from people, Meeting people who are good listeners, Discovering who I am - more & more each day.

aussie aussie aussie.

I miss it ! <3

the only thing i've ever known, is how cold the winter breeze is blown.

i've been lied to. i've been pushed around. i've been walked all over. i've been backstabbed. i've been forgotten. i've been used. i've been let down. i've been looked down on. i've been judged. i've been blamed. i've been hated. i've had my dreams shattered. And i've been walked out on...allll my life. - But it's help make me who I am today, and I couldn't ask to be anymore than what i've become.

Find someone who always brings a smile to your face, & never give up on them.